Little Lies Fiction

Big Stories in Bits, Bites & Chunks

Month: July 2016

The Adventures Of Catbaby

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Season 1 • Episode 8 • Blue Man

Catbaby here; I’m finally leaving an extended stay in Boogerville. My cold is gone, but my nose is in shambles from the 371 times it was wiped, rubbed, scrubbed and assaulted with tissues, baby wipes, paper towels, and suction devices; and that’s not counting my self-inflicted arm and hand wipes. My nose started looking as bad as it felt (see the Great Sphinx of Giza) and that’s not a good look.

A lot has happened since we last talked: A couple of weeks ago I woke up to big bangs, pops, and shrieking whistles. My parents were all excited. There was a big shindig going on at the lake, and they were talking about an Independence Day celebration, a big fireworks display, and something about ‘Pronto Pups’—woo hoo! I wasn’t sure what all that was, but it sounded like fun—and who doesn’t like ‘fast puppies’ (see what I did there:)

When we arrived at the lake, (I took the day off and left my superhero, Catbaby whisker disguise at home) they put me in a stroller and started wheeling me around; I could get used to that—Driving Miss Catbaby—got a nice ring to it. Hollywood; are you reading this?

Off in the distance was a giant, dancing, Blue man, with arms outstretched, towering above the tents. I pointed my finger, and said “Oooooh, oooooh,” and away we went. He was magnificent; a jelly-boned, rippling wind spirit, with air rockets on his feet, and arms that reached for the sky. I’m a huge fan! He’s got some sweet ninja skills, but I don’t see him sneaking up on anybody.

The other highlights included; Tasting watermelon for the first time, two thumbs up; Eating funnel cake with powdered sugar for the first time, three thumbs up; Watching the turtle races for the last time, hmmmm, ok, maybe it’s an acquired taste.

Then there was the ‘cutest baby contest’ that grandpapa and grandmama insisted I enter. The paparazzi was thick. A bevy of cute toddlers stumbled around happily. When it was my turn, a sea of camera phones flashed as I worked the runway. Stopping halfway, I gave the crowd my, over-the-shoulder-shy-smile—an irresistible genetic gift I inherited from my mom—Bingo!—First place, cutest baby, and first place, best personality.

Just when it seemed like it couldn’t get any better, it did. It turns out I avenged my dad’s second place finish from twenty-five years ago as well—So until next time—Viva la Familia!

—Catbaby

PS—I also discovered my fourth superpower: a disarming, and irresistibly captivating personality. ‘Resistance is futile’🙂

Fakers

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It’s not like I’m obsessed. I just like watching her. I look at her a lot…but that’s not a crime. It’s not hurting anyone—it’s not like I’m a weirdo; I work; I pay taxes. I buy Girl Scout cookies.

Other than her, I watch people, and honestly, I prefer standing by myself, observing, and listening in on other people’s conversations. They’re so creepy and dishonest. Only saying the things they think the other person wants to hear. They’re fakers.

But I’m sincere and extremely excited as I take a peek. I know, she knows, I’m watching. She flaunts her wet, naked body—she looks straight at me.

If only my goldfish could talk, she’d be perfect.

That’s assuming she’s a female.

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