Little Lies Fiction

Big Stories in Bits, Bites & Chunks

Author: admin (page 1 of 3)

The Adventures Of Catbaby

cbaby_melon

Season 1 • Episode 8 • Blue Man

Catbaby here; I’m finally leaving an extended stay in Boogerville. My cold is gone, but my nose is in shambles from the 371 times it was wiped, rubbed, scrubbed and assaulted with tissues, baby wipes, paper towels, and suction devices; and that’s not counting my self-inflicted arm and hand wipes. My nose started looking as bad as it felt (see the Great Sphinx of Giza) and that’s not a good look.

A lot has happened since we last talked: A couple of weeks ago I woke up to big bangs, pops, and shrieking whistles. My parents were all excited. There was a big shindig going on at the lake, and they were talking about an Independence Day celebration, a big fireworks display, and something about ‘Pronto Pups’—woo hoo! I wasn’t sure what all that was, but it sounded like fun—and who doesn’t like ‘fast puppies’ (see what I did there:)

When we arrived at the lake, (I took the day off and left my superhero, Catbaby whisker disguise at home) they put me in a stroller and started wheeling me around; I could get used to that—Driving Miss Catbaby—got a nice ring to it. Hollywood; are you reading this?

Off in the distance was a giant, dancing, Blue man, with arms outstretched, towering above the tents. I pointed my finger, and said “Oooooh, oooooh,” and away we went. He was magnificent; a jelly-boned, rippling wind spirit, with air rockets on his feet, and arms that reached for the sky. I’m a huge fan! He’s got some sweet ninja skills, but I don’t see him sneaking up on anybody.

The other highlights included; Tasting watermelon for the first time, two thumbs up; Eating funnel cake with powdered sugar for the first time, three thumbs up; Watching the turtle races for the last time, hmmmm, ok, maybe it’s an acquired taste.

Then there was the ‘cutest baby contest’ that grandpapa and grandmama insisted I enter. The paparazzi was thick. A bevy of cute toddlers stumbled around happily. When it was my turn, a sea of camera phones flashed as I worked the runway. Stopping halfway, I gave the crowd my, over-the-shoulder-shy-smile—an irresistible genetic gift I inherited from my mom—Bingo!—First place, cutest baby, and first place, best personality.

Just when it seemed like it couldn’t get any better, it did. It turns out I avenged my dad’s second place finish from twenty-five years ago as well—So until next time—Viva la Familia!

—Catbaby

PS—I also discovered my fourth superpower: a disarming, and irresistibly captivating personality. ‘Resistance is futile’🙂

Fakers

peekaboo2

It’s not like I’m obsessed. I just like watching her. I look at her a lot…but that’s not a crime. It’s not hurting anyone—it’s not like I’m a weirdo; I work; I pay taxes. I buy Girl Scout cookies.

Other than her, I watch people, and honestly, I prefer standing by myself, observing, and listening in on other people’s conversations. They’re so creepy and dishonest. Only saying the things they think the other person wants to hear. They’re fakers.

But I’m sincere and extremely excited as I take a peek. I know, she knows, I’m watching. She flaunts her wet, naked body—she looks straight at me.

If only my goldfish could talk, she’d be perfect.

That’s assuming she’s a female.

The Adventures Of Catbaby

boogie_town

Season 1 • Episode 7 • Boogerville

Catbaby here; Let me start out by saying; my hair’s a mess, my whiskers are smearing, and I’m in no mood for do-gooding. I have what everybody is calling a ‘cold’. I can tell you this, I’m not a fan. First of all, it’s not cold. In fact, I feel steamy and cranky, and I’m a sticky mess. My nose is an enigma—it’s completely clogged up, yet it flows like a fountain. Go figure.

As a superhero in training, it’s embarrassing. Superman has his weakness; kryptonite, and It seems I have mine; mucous. That’s just plain pitiful.

Grandpapa’s running around talking about how rich he’ll be when he patents his ‘nose diaper’. He has sketches and technical drawings tucked into a leather messenger bag that he carries everywhere. Bless his heart.

Everyone is keeping their distance, except when they’re pinching my nose with tissues. People ask me to blow—which I do, but it doesn’t help because the goop is in my nose—maybe they should ask me to ‘sneeze’. I’m just saying.

I’m suspending all my superhero training until my nose, the fountain of ooze, dries up. I think I’ll just curl up with a warm bottle of milk, my blankie, and try and survive the trip through Boogerville.

Until next time…sniff…sniff…meow:)

 

Something’s Fishy

fishy

The Trap

trap

The Great Escape

Teddy Bear

teddy_bear

“Let go! Mine!” the boy yelled.

“Nooooo—it’s mine!” the girl screamed.

The toddlers competed in a fierce tug-of-war; a stuffed teddy bear, the object of their affection. The boy clung tight to one fuzzy arm, as the older girl just reeled him in, twisting and flopping like a thirty-pound tuna.

The struggle escalated to wrestling on the floor. Suddenly, the boy let out a wailing shriek.

Separating them, the mother saw the red welt on his arm and scolded the girl. “We don’t bite!”

As the spider scurried back to its web full of babies under the sofa, it thought, ‘But we do.’

 

The Adventures Of Catbaby

catbaby6

Season 1 • Episode 6 • High Jinks & High-Kicks

Catbaby reporting in; Things are going gangbusters here. Mom and dad have proven to be trainable. I’m now allowing them about five hours of sleep a night. Just enough sleep so they can function, but tired enough that they don’t fight my training methods. Like dirty diaper changing. They used to drag that out forever…yuck. By escalating the decibels of my dissatisfaction every thirty seconds, I now have them down to a complete diaper change in less than two minutes — they now operate like a precision pit crew.

Boris the cat, my ninja sidekick, has been exiled to the outside. He has perimeter guard duty due to the ankle attack incident (see episode 3). Being a proud ninja trainee, and feeling he’s been disrespected, he likes to sneak into the house and sharpen his sword-like claws on dad’s recliner as revenge.

I tell Boris he should cool it, and just concentrate on thwarting the invading hoards of spiders, bugs and field mice. He’s kind of a loose cannon — so we’ll see how it goes.

From my pack ‘n play, I overheard my mom, and grandpapa reminiscing with dad about the legendary comedy gold, better known as ‘Grandmama’s High-kick’. The story goes that when mom was a cheerleader, grandmama swore she could out high-kick her…this competition went down in the kitchen…literally. Mom went first with a great kick that grandpapa said went a good six inches above her head.

Grandmama, unfazed and supremely confident, said, “Just watch this.” She then kicked her leg forward, with a force, that’s best described as holy s**t!

Grandmama forgot one thing in the equation…her tight skirt. Her kick leg went really, really high… Unfortunately, her other leg followed it. She hovered a good five feet in the air, in total disbelief, before doing a rafter-rattling, butt-buster on the floor. They swear the look on grandmama’s face alone, would’ve won the $10,000 prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Mom ended up winning the contest when grandpapa disqualified grandmama for reckless endangerment and an egregious break in form.

That’s my update, so until next time…Meow:)

The Adventures of Catbaby

target_shop

Season 1 • Episode 5 • Right on Target

Catbaby here. Me and mom were tooling through Target — absolutely our favorite shopping destination. Dad told me, that when they started putting Starbucks inside Target, mom became so excited, she danced and sang show tunes for a week. The girl does love her coffee beans…and as I always say, a happy Momlady, is a happy Catbaby:)

Swinging through the baby aisle we snag the usual dipes & wipes, then head straight to the office supplies and notebooks. Mom gets a little bit swoony looking at all the choices: markers, pens, pencils, diaries, ledgers, day planners, standard ruled, wide ruled, college ruled, and my favorite — preschool drool ruled. I have to admit I got a little excited when I saw the rows of colored markers. So many walls to scribble on…so little time

I’m sitting in the cart, looking fabulous rock’in my fuzzy, fake lambs-ears-cap, and soaking in the ambiance. Mom’s busy flipping through notebooks, looking for the one that gives her goosebumps. I see a guy to my left, with his head spinning around like an owl looking all shifty eyed. I smell big trouble and I’m pretty sure it’s not my diaper.

To blend in, I act like a regular baby and pretend I just discovered my toes and that I’m fascinated with them. It works, he ignores me and takes a quick look over his shoulder before stuffing a deluxe boxed set of Crayola markers down his pants — no way, not here, and not on our aisle.

The markers are halfway down his pants when I bust out my supersonic distress scream. I add a bucket of tears, a trembling bottom lip, and a pointing finger. His eyes widen when mom turns around having been interrupted on her odyssey to find the perfect notebook. Like a mama grizzly, she looks at him and growls, “What are you doing!” He falls back scrambling, and takes three steps toward the door before being grabbed by security.

They find his pants were filled with three sets of markers, four pairs of earrings, six blu-ray movies, a can of olives, and a three decks of cards.

Olives?

Mom was written up for heroism in the local paper and received a twenty-five dollar gift card from Target. Bingo! The first thing she bought was a new spiky, squishy ball for my collection. Then she found and purchased the perfect notebook, and a mocha cappuccino with a shot of expresso. She asked for a little sample cup and carefully spooned out all of the whipped cream just for me. She’s the best mom ever!

To the rest of the great moms everywhere, have a wonderful Mother’s Day.

Love Catbaby:)

The Adventures of Catbaby

cat_baby

Season 1 • Episode 4 • Meet the Grandparents

A Catbaby special report…After an hour of me singing ‘Are we there yet’, we arrive at grandmama and grandpapa’s house…or, what I like to think of as my personal Amusement Park…aka, ‘GrandyLand’

Before dad can shut the Prius off, grandpapa flies out the front door, having hip-checked the slower grandmama, and bolts straight for the car. With laser focus, he ignores everyone, including mom, his only child, and of course dad who stole his only child. He unlatches me from the car seat, pulls me out with a twirl and tosses me into the air yelling ‘weeeeeeeeeeeee…yipeeeeeeeeeee!’

It’s true, Catbaby can fly!…Let the games begin.

Once inside grandmama unveils a plate of something she calls biscuits. Mom and dad gasp, immediately pulling me back, and covering my mouth. They say no thank you, and something about me being their only child.

Grandmama said, “Don’t be silly, these aren’t like the ones I made before.”…she’s referring to the ‘Incident’…which refers to the first time she made biscuits from scratch… The legend goes…

‘Grandmama was stacking her fresh baked biscuits on a plate, when one slipped out of her hand, dropped, splintering the kitchen floor with a ka-craaaaack, and rolled over next to her dog, Maggie.

After a few sniffs, licks, bites and a couple cracked canines later, Maggie finally found something, she literally couldn’t eat…’

…but that was then…these biscuits, grandmama said, were actually bought at the grocery store and were more like a cookie…everyone breathed a sigh of relief…and they were indeed, very tasty.

I was all hopped up on sugary biscuits so I decided to ride on the combination octopus/scrambler/roller coaster, known as grandpapa.

Midway through the scrambler, I unwittingly discovered my third superpower to go with my ‘Extreme cuteness’ and ‘Supersonic distress cry’.

It’s my first weaponized superpower…’Projectile vomitting’ and it can really clear a room. I hope I don’t have to use it much, because…It takes a lot out of me…heh, heh, and there it is — my fourth superpower, ‘Disarming Sense of humor’.

Until next time… Catbaby:)

Older posts

© 2017 Little Lies Fiction

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑