Little Lies Fiction

Big Stories in Bits, Bites & Chunks

Category: Catbaby Episodes

The Adventures Of Catbaby

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Season 1 • Episode 8 • Blue Man

Catbaby here; I’m finally leaving an extended stay in Boogerville. My cold is gone, but my nose is in shambles from the 371 times it was wiped, rubbed, scrubbed and assaulted with tissues, baby wipes, paper towels, and suction devices; and that’s not counting my self-inflicted arm and hand wipes. My nose started looking as bad as it felt (see the Great Sphinx of Giza) and that’s not a good look.

A lot has happened since we last talked: A couple of weeks ago I woke up to big bangs, pops, and shrieking whistles. My parents were all excited. There was a big shindig going on at the lake, and they were talking about an Independence Day celebration, a big fireworks display, and something about ‘Pronto Pups’—woo hoo! I wasn’t sure what all that was, but it sounded like fun—and who doesn’t like ‘fast puppies’ (see what I did there:)

When we arrived at the lake, (I took the day off and left my superhero, Catbaby whisker disguise at home) they put me in a stroller and started wheeling me around; I could get used to that—Driving Miss Catbaby—got a nice ring to it. Hollywood; are you reading this?

Off in the distance was a giant, dancing, Blue man, with arms outstretched, towering above the tents. I pointed my finger, and said “Oooooh, oooooh,” and away we went. He was magnificent; a jelly-boned, rippling wind spirit, with air rockets on his feet, and arms that reached for the sky. I’m a huge fan! He’s got some sweet ninja skills, but I don’t see him sneaking up on anybody.

The other highlights included; Tasting watermelon for the first time, two thumbs up; Eating funnel cake with powdered sugar for the first time, three thumbs up; Watching the turtle races for the last time, hmmmm, ok, maybe it’s an acquired taste.

Then there was the ‘cutest baby contest’ that grandpapa and grandmama insisted I enter. The paparazzi was thick. A bevy of cute toddlers stumbled around happily. When it was my turn, a sea of camera phones flashed as I worked the runway. Stopping halfway, I gave the crowd my, over-the-shoulder-shy-smile—an irresistible genetic gift I inherited from my mom—Bingo!—First place, cutest baby, and first place, best personality.

Just when it seemed like it couldn’t get any better, it did. It turns out I avenged my dad’s second place finish from twenty-five years ago as well—So until next time—Viva la Familia!

—Catbaby

PS—I also discovered my fourth superpower: a disarming, and irresistibly captivating personality. ‘Resistance is futile’🙂

The Adventures Of Catbaby

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Season 1 • Episode 7 • Boogerville

Catbaby here; Let me start out by saying; my hair’s a mess, my whiskers are smearing, and I’m in no mood for do-gooding. I have what everybody is calling a ‘cold’. I can tell you this, I’m not a fan. First of all, it’s not cold. In fact, I feel steamy and cranky, and I’m a sticky mess. My nose is an enigma—it’s completely clogged up, yet it flows like a fountain. Go figure.

As a superhero in training, it’s embarrassing. Superman has his weakness; kryptonite, and It seems I have mine; mucous. That’s just plain pitiful.

Grandpapa’s running around talking about how rich he’ll be when he patents his ‘nose diaper’. He has sketches and technical drawings tucked into a leather messenger bag that he carries everywhere. Bless his heart.

Everyone is keeping their distance, except when they’re pinching my nose with tissues. People ask me to blow—which I do, but it doesn’t help because the goop is in my nose—maybe they should ask me to ‘sneeze’. I’m just saying.

I’m suspending all my superhero training until my nose, the fountain of ooze, dries up. I think I’ll just curl up with a warm bottle of milk, my blankie, and try and survive the trip through Boogerville.

Until next time…sniff…sniff…meow:)

 

The Adventures Of Catbaby

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Season 1 • Episode 6 • High Jinks & High-Kicks

Catbaby reporting in; Things are going gangbusters here. Mom and dad have proven to be trainable. I’m now allowing them about five hours of sleep a night. Just enough sleep so they can function, but tired enough that they don’t fight my training methods. Like dirty diaper changing. They used to drag that out forever…yuck. By escalating the decibels of my dissatisfaction every thirty seconds, I now have them down to a complete diaper change in less than two minutes — they now operate like a precision pit crew.

Boris the cat, my ninja sidekick, has been exiled to the outside. He has perimeter guard duty due to the ankle attack incident (see episode 3). Being a proud ninja trainee, and feeling he’s been disrespected, he likes to sneak into the house and sharpen his sword-like claws on dad’s recliner as revenge.

I tell Boris he should cool it, and just concentrate on thwarting the invading hoards of spiders, bugs and field mice. He’s kind of a loose cannon — so we’ll see how it goes.

From my pack ‘n play, I overheard my mom, and grandpapa reminiscing with dad about the legendary comedy gold, better known as ‘Grandmama’s High-kick’. The story goes that when mom was a cheerleader, grandmama swore she could out high-kick her…this competition went down in the kitchen…literally. Mom went first with a great kick that grandpapa said went a good six inches above her head.

Grandmama, unfazed and supremely confident, said, “Just watch this.” She then kicked her leg forward, with a force, that’s best described as holy s**t!

Grandmama forgot one thing in the equation…her tight skirt. Her kick leg went really, really high… Unfortunately, her other leg followed it. She hovered a good five feet in the air, in total disbelief, before doing a rafter-rattling, butt-buster on the floor. They swear the look on grandmama’s face alone, would’ve won the $10,000 prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Mom ended up winning the contest when grandpapa disqualified grandmama for reckless endangerment and an egregious break in form.

That’s my update, so until next time…Meow:)

The Adventures of Catbaby

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Season 1 • Episode 5 • Right on Target

Catbaby here. Me and mom were tooling through Target — absolutely our favorite shopping destination. Dad told me, that when they started putting Starbucks inside Target, mom became so excited, she danced and sang show tunes for a week. The girl does love her coffee beans…and as I always say, a happy Momlady, is a happy Catbaby:)

Swinging through the baby aisle we snag the usual dipes & wipes, then head straight to the office supplies and notebooks. Mom gets a little bit swoony looking at all the choices: markers, pens, pencils, diaries, ledgers, day planners, standard ruled, wide ruled, college ruled, and my favorite — preschool drool ruled. I have to admit I got a little excited when I saw the rows of colored markers. So many walls to scribble on…so little time

I’m sitting in the cart, looking fabulous rock’in my fuzzy, fake lambs-ears-cap, and soaking in the ambiance. Mom’s busy flipping through notebooks, looking for the one that gives her goosebumps. I see a guy to my left, with his head spinning around like an owl looking all shifty eyed. I smell big trouble and I’m pretty sure it’s not my diaper.

To blend in, I act like a regular baby and pretend I just discovered my toes and that I’m fascinated with them. It works, he ignores me and takes a quick look over his shoulder before stuffing a deluxe boxed set of Crayola markers down his pants — no way, not here, and not on our aisle.

The markers are halfway down his pants when I bust out my supersonic distress scream. I add a bucket of tears, a trembling bottom lip, and a pointing finger. His eyes widen when mom turns around having been interrupted on her odyssey to find the perfect notebook. Like a mama grizzly, she looks at him and growls, “What are you doing!” He falls back scrambling, and takes three steps toward the door before being grabbed by security.

They find his pants were filled with three sets of markers, four pairs of earrings, six blu-ray movies, a can of olives, and a three decks of cards.

Olives?

Mom was written up for heroism in the local paper and received a twenty-five dollar gift card from Target. Bingo! The first thing she bought was a new spiky, squishy ball for my collection. Then she found and purchased the perfect notebook, and a mocha cappuccino with a shot of expresso. She asked for a little sample cup and carefully spooned out all of the whipped cream just for me. She’s the best mom ever!

To the rest of the great moms everywhere, have a wonderful Mother’s Day.

Love Catbaby:)

The Adventures of Catbaby

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Season 1 • Episode 4 • Meet the Grandparents

A Catbaby special report…After an hour of me singing ‘Are we there yet’, we arrive at grandmama and grandpapa’s house…or, what I like to think of as my personal Amusement Park…aka, ‘GrandyLand’

Before dad can shut the Prius off, grandpapa flies out the front door, having hip-checked the slower grandmama, and bolts straight for the car. With laser focus, he ignores everyone, including mom, his only child, and of course dad who stole his only child. He unlatches me from the car seat, pulls me out with a twirl and tosses me into the air yelling ‘weeeeeeeeeeeee…yipeeeeeeeeeee!’

It’s true, Catbaby can fly!…Let the games begin.

Once inside grandmama unveils a plate of something she calls biscuits. Mom and dad gasp, immediately pulling me back, and covering my mouth. They say no thank you, and something about me being their only child.

Grandmama said, “Don’t be silly, these aren’t like the ones I made before.”…she’s referring to the ‘Incident’…which refers to the first time she made biscuits from scratch… The legend goes…

‘Grandmama was stacking her fresh baked biscuits on a plate, when one slipped out of her hand, dropped, splintering the kitchen floor with a ka-craaaaack, and rolled over next to her dog, Maggie.

After a few sniffs, licks, bites and a couple cracked canines later, Maggie finally found something, she literally couldn’t eat…’

…but that was then…these biscuits, grandmama said, were actually bought at the grocery store and were more like a cookie…everyone breathed a sigh of relief…and they were indeed, very tasty.

I was all hopped up on sugary biscuits so I decided to ride on the combination octopus/scrambler/roller coaster, known as grandpapa.

Midway through the scrambler, I unwittingly discovered my third superpower to go with my ‘Extreme cuteness’ and ‘Supersonic distress cry’.

It’s my first weaponized superpower…’Projectile vomitting’ and it can really clear a room. I hope I don’t have to use it much, because…It takes a lot out of me…heh, heh, and there it is — my fourth superpower, ‘Disarming Sense of humor’.

Until next time… Catbaby:)

Adventures of Catbaby

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Season 1 • Episode 3 • Are we there yet?

It’s Catbaby here, superhero-in-training. As you may remember from last week, we were just about ready to head for grandmama and grandpapa’s house

The Prius was loaded. All the diaper changing, and baby-butt decontamination supplies were aboard. So were the usual bribes — books, musical toys, stuffed animals, nunchucks, and sugary snacks — Ok, I’m just kidding about the nunchucks…I’m not quite ready for martial arts weapons…me trying to feed myself with a spoon is still a hit and miss proposition.

I’m just chilling in my car seat while mom and dad are in the front going over their checklist. Dad, forgetting something, groans, gets out and heads back to the house. When he reaches the porch, Boris the cat (my wannabe ninja sidekick) springs from the hedges, and clamps onto his ankles. Dad screams, spins around, and River Dances off the edge of the porch, while Boris ejects himself, and hightails it back to the bushes.

Eventually, dad limps back to the car and says “Got it.” and hands me my iPad mini.

In my sweetest voice that’s surely kryptonite to a diabetic, I say, “tank ooh dada”

Dad replies, “You’re welcome sweetie.” Then he looks over at mom and gloats, “Did you hear that dear…a complete three-word phrase, ending with daddy.” Mom pretends to ignore him and continues scrolling through her Pinterest pages. When dad begins whistling a perky little tune — she’d had enough, “Yesterday, she told me ‘thank you mommy’ thirty-seven times, and only said daddy twice, once to Frankenstein (her dog), and the second time it was to a checker at Target…who happened to be a woman.

Dad stopped whistling, and I felt the car start to move. Before dad could get out of the drive, I had Shrek 2 cued up on my iPad. Giggling, I fast forward to my favorite scene where Shrek, Fiona, and the donkey are riding along in an ‘onion’ carriage when the donkey poses an important question…

I get mom and dad’s attention and say my first ever four-word phrase. Along with the donkey, We ask…

“Are we there yet?

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Adventures of Catbaby

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Season 1 • Episode 2 • The Trip

Waking up from a delicious, warm bottle of milk-induced stupor—I see my parents scurrying around throwing stuff in bags, and then tossing those bags in bigger bags. A large suitcase flies open, and thrown inside are all the bags, clothes, shoes, bottles, binkies, diapers, and wipes. Everything’s stacked precariously, like in a blindfolded game of Jenga. 

I can see they need my help, so, using my ninja skills, I start scaling the barred walls of my crib to save the day.

Mom screams, “Nooooo!…stop! you’ll break your neck.” I don’t mean to be patronizing, but bless her heart, she can be quite the drama queen. Silly mom, everyone knows, cats always land on their feet.

Mom now has her undivided attention on me, leaving the impossible task of closing the suitcase to dad — who never met a challenge he didn’t accept. 

“Time to get you dressed little girl…we’re going to visit grandmama and grandpapa,” she said, smiling as she scooped me up and headed for the changing table.

I’m thrilled with the thought of practicing my new found superpower; ‘extreme cuteness’, on the grandparents. It’s almost too easy. When I smile, they start cheering, and their cameras appear out of thin air…and if I giggle…whoa!…it’s party time; chicken nuggies and juice, fun and games, and unlimited story time 24/7.

I glance over at the bed and see a blur. Dad’s bouncing up and down on the lid of the suitcase like a crazed kangaroo — clothes, bags, bottles and baby powder are flying everywhere.

While mom buckles me into the car seat, dad comes out of the house carrying seven plastic sacks full of stuff, mumbling something about cheap latches on a broken suitcase.

Mom tells dad that we might as well make a day of it and visit all the grandparents.

Wow!…Score!…it’s baby Shangri-la!—and that’s when I metaphorically wet myself.

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Adventures of Catbaby

 

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Season 1 • Episode 1 • The Arrival 

I love big people, they can be so cute. I remember when I first arrived. The bright lights, the welcome committee, with their green scrubs, the ear-to-ear smiles beneath their surgical masks — magical — I did think the slap on the butt was over-the-top, but bless their hearts, they get so emotional.

I’ve noticed that the world has a lot of problems that need fixing. That’s why I’m training to be a superhero/ninja; I’m Catbaby, but shhhhhhh…(picture me putting my finger to my lips) my real identity is a secret; That’s why I wear this disguise (see picture above).

Here’s a little background; I’m two feet nine inches tall, I weigh twenty-eight pounds, and I love cats, pups, soft rugs, binkies, blankies, and Goldfish crackers…just to name a few favs.

Of course, I  love my mom and dad — they can’t speak baby talk worth a crap, but they’re fun to watch… God bless ’em, they try real hard.

Whoops…uh…oh…my diaper’s full, and someone needs to be alerted. Which brings me to my first perfected superpower — a supersonic, blood-curdling, distress cry — It always brings ’em running.

Anyway, this whole superhero stuff is gonna take some time, and full disclosure; I’m still wobbling when I walk, so when I try to run, it’s just downright scary…so I’ll keep you updated.

Until next time, as always…Catbaby

PS – I now have an apprentice, a sidekick named Boris; He’s a very clever kitten who has been teaching me his ninja skills. (see picture below)

PPS. – On further observation, Boris’s ninja skills may just be flashes of insanity… I’m just saying.

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